I was recently in a dark and gloomy rut—just like the weather in Buenos Aires. This month had more grey and wet days than sunshine. This was not good timing as the 2 year anniversary of my mother's death approached (Aug 31st). I desperately needed those rays of sunshine to wrap around me so I could feel her love and have the strength to keep going. While desperately searching for her love and support, I felt this heavy sadness weigh down on my body—like a weighted jacket. I had trouble connecting with my breath or relaxing my body. I couldn’t breathe deeply, and my shoulders felt so tense. I tried to brush it off, but I couldn’t. I was snappy to the people I cared about the most, pushing them away as I felt I needed to crawl into a dark, destructive hole. On top of my sadness I felt frustrated with myself that I was sad when I knew I was in a good place in my life. It was a strange sensation for me to feel this sadness creep and grow inside and around me given I have not felt this way since living in Buenos Aires. I was so in-tune with these thoughts and feelings bubbling inside of me that I knew I had to create a way to climb out before I got too deep.
One morning while I was meditating, I had an epiphany: I had to stop putting pressure on myself to not feel sad. It was not wrong to be sad; to cry because I miss my mother and best friend enormously. I realized I had to let myself experience these emotions and not hide or bury them. It is not healthy to have the mentality that I should just “suck it up” or even pretend these feelings are not present. I have to face my emotions head on; maintaining faith that everything will work out as time allows these feelings to slowly pass.
During this “Rut” I taught myself to make the most of everyday and try to create my own bit if sunshine. With each new day, I treated myself to my favorite Pilates class, snack (obviously something related to dark chocolate), yummy coffee, doing art projects, walking, eating yummy and healthy food or anything else that felt good! I have learned that you have to make the best of every situation you are in, which means treating yourself to what SATISFIES YOU and makes YOU FEEL GOOD.
Suggestions: Since you have obviously been following the previous blogs you are well aware of certain strategies used to help you hear yourself better and know what satisfies and makes you happy. In case you have missed those blogs, spend some time slowing down, mediating, journaling and making a list of things you enjoy. When you feel you are in a “rut” or dark place in your life, make sure to treat yourself! Create your own bit of sunshine each day so that your day may be that much brighter… until the sun eventually comes out and you find you are no longer in your Rut.